Phantom of the Sausage

by Bryan Salvage, editor

It's no secret. Europeans take opera (which I hate) and sausage (which I love) very seriously. Well, at least most of them do.

At this point, you are probably asking yourself, "What do opera and sausage have to do with each other?"

Don't ask me, ask Scotland's William York and David Clough. They have cowritten a comic opera entitled "Towards a Single European Sausage," which debuts in April in Amsterdam before moving on to other European cities.

It first caught my attention while I was unwinding after an all-night, trans-Atlantic flight from Chicago to Paris last October en route to ANUGA. After falling victim to a little French toddler who screamed his way across the Atlantic two aisles away from me, I quickly deplaned (after the plane stopped), grabbed a cup of coffee, an issue of the Wall Street Journal Europe and snuck away to an isolated corner of the airport before catching my next flight to DŸsseldorf, which was a long four hours away.

The story on this comic opera was hard to miss since it was on Page 1. The newspaper explained that the opera is based on 67 sausage-related reports and other literature issued by the European Community in recent years. The setting is the Strasbourg Sausage Treaty Conference and features a cast of "self-important Euro-types."

The central figures are French mezzo-soprano Bridgette Croissant (modeled after former French Premier Edith Cresson) and German bass Karlheinz von Kleiber. These two Euro-types are plotting to force the others to accept their "Alsace-Lorraine Sausage" as Europe's standard-bearer.

If you think the plot is weird, here are some of the lyrics:

She: "No more smelly salami."

He: "No more stupid bangers [which refers to Britain's sausage entry].

Together: "The sausage of Alsace-Lorraine will reign supreme."

This quasi-classical score was composed for a 14-piece orchestra including bassoon, oboe, trumpet and plenty of strings.

What inspired the project? It was a 1991 Dutch government pamphlet, which was written while the Maastricht treaty was being negotiated. It states that "sausage products will have to comply with a number of EC requirements," but it sought to allay fears "that one day there will be a single European sausage."

York told the newspaper, "Whether we'll get a single European sausage, we don't know. But I think it would be a disaster. It would be massively boring.

"When I go to the [United Kingdom], I get all-beef sausage," he added. "But in Amsterdam, I love the rookwurst. The only [sausages] I don't like are the ones in France-and I don't know why."

This comic opera even gets a little saucy in spots.

She: "Now Hamish, I would like to know what you think about Clause 248, Subsection B of Article 3 of...

He: "Nobody has ever asked me that before, Anneke. I'll tell you what."

She: "Tell me anything you like, Hamish. Open up the folio of feeling within you!"

Together: "We must not hold back!"

He: "You know, Anneke, I've only known you two days and already I feel I can talk to you about every clause..."

She: "Oh, Hamish!"

He: "...Of every subsection."

She: "Hamish, oh Hamish!"

The satirical fantasy ends on a realistic note: "Like most EC meetings, the Strasbourg Sausage Treaty Conference adjourns without result-and the delegates vow to convene again and try once more," according to the newspaper.

Nutty? Yes. But here's hoping this opera is a huge success so it can make its way to the United States. This is one opera I'd even pay to see.